Oct 15, 2009

Turning Point

As Marianne's favorite husband :) I wish to express my greatest appreciation to God, friends, and family. In the days, weeks, and months leading to this moment, this turning point, we have experienced a flood of warmth, concern, service, hope and faith from so many. At times the responses and communication that Marianne has received from so many has brought her to tears such strong emotions and knowledge that she is loved and that people care. As I have watched Marianne over the last eight years she has shown such charity and love towards others. She always thinks of others needs above her own and she loved to show that by cooking for people, writing notes, texting, sending cards, and being with them. She gains so much from her relationship with others we have such wonderful people that surround us and that we associate with. You all have been such a blessing in our lives. Thank you for stepping up and stepping in. When Marianne started to get really sick and her condition debilitated her it was difficult to take over and take care of the wife and mother that took care of all of us. She did sooo much and it was overwhelming to fill those shoes. We took for granted all that she accomplished and all that she is. It has been a real learning curve and I can say I am doing a lot better but I still only do a fraction of what Marianne does but it has been enough to get by. We have so much help and we have so many people to thank.
As Marianne is in the hands of the doctors right now. I need to thank our dear and kind Heavenly Father for what the last eight years has meant to me. Marianne is such a gift. My life with her has been exquisite and like any other relationship that is cultivated and nourished we have both had our moments and we have certainly seen some trials. We were joking around with the nurse and she commented "you guys are still so in-love" and yes we are in love and somedays we are out of love. Today we start identifying ourselves as "in" or "out". I think we are always "in" love even if Marianne gets after me and wants me to change or do more I will always be "in" love with her. Heavenly Father has been so good to us and blessed us with so much we have never wanted for the things that we need. I have always tried to be strong for Marianne and our boys and it has only been in privacy that I have been able to release the tears and emotion that I have felt as I struggled with the "what if's" the mental game that we play out in our minds in either preparation or fear of the things that could happen.
There were moments that I watched Marianne curled up in unfathamable pain and knowing there was nothing that I could do for her and as she described, it felt like being stabbed all over. And there were a few times when she knew it was coming on, her demeanor changed with that excruciating pain and we would spend our energy getting her the right medicine or putting her in the right position but nothing would help and it became so unbearable that her eyes would roll up in the back of head and she would pass out. Those moments were the worst because I couldn't get her to respond to me, in those moments I was losing everything and it scared me that I wouldn't be able to wake her or help her get or get her relief from what she could not control. It was in one of those moments just after Marianne passed out, I was standing next to her trying to get her to the car to take her home because she wasn't feeling good. I was able to catch her and lay her down but she was shaking and un-responsive. I kept calling her name and telling her to hold on but there was nothing, no response, my sister-in-law called 911 and it seemed like eternity was passing, it felt like I was losing the one person that meant everything to me. She is my rock and my all. The Spirit spoke to me saying "bless her" so I placed my hands on her head and in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power of the priesthood blessed her with "peace and comfort" that was all that came to me. As I said those words her body went still, it became peaceful and Marianne turned her head looked me in the eyes and smiled. It was so serene she spoke to me with just a glance as if to say, "thank you, I love you, it's ok now." and then she closed her eyes again in a state of rest instead of a medical emergency.
Heavenly Father has guided our life and has guided our decisions and has taken us to places that is our times of trials and needs we would be surrounded with people who would be there for us and help us. We have been spritiually strengthened and fortified with others faith, prayers, service, and love. It is so healing.
I will leave you with this experience. As a young teenager and growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I had been taught a lot of truth but didn't really believe it. I struggled with my relationship with Heavenly Father because I felt like he didn't answer my prayers and didn't care. I had learned about Joseph Smith and his experience in the sacred grove when he saw and spoke with God the Father and Jesus Christ. I wondered why Heavenly Father wouldn't talk to me and I certainly did not see him or his Son literrally or figuratively in my life. As I searched to understand that relationship and as a farm boy I began to see Him in the earth and in the sunsets but it didn't seem to be enough but I began to see Him as he manifest himself in my life. As time has passed I have learned to see Him, Christ, in others and that is how he manifests himself to me most is through others. He taught of love and charity. He showed us by perfect example how to treat others and asked us to be perfect even as he is. Alma asked the question speaking of Christ, "Have you received his image in your countenances?" I can tell you those people who have committed themselves to Christ and have love and charity in their hearts and have shared it with us have shown us through their countenance the face of Christ for they have fed us when we were an hungered, they have clothed us when we were naked, and they have given us drink when we were athirst. So to God thank you for testifying to us that you know us and care about us and to all of you thank you for letting Christ manifest himself through you and your thoughts and actions. To Marianne thank you for having that image, it is what has drawn me to you and it is what I love most about you, you are so precious to me, I would be lost without you. I really, really, really love you.

11 comments:

Forever Owen said...

Beautiful! Such strength and love- the bond of this eternal husband and wife. Thank you for sharing your feelings, "Marianne's favorite husband!" (To the other ladies that read this- "SIGH"...awww...when a husband expresses in detail the love and appreciation he has for his wife!)P.S. You don't have to post this one either. Just wanted to let Clint know this was so beautiful and I know Marianne will cry tears of joy and love reading this! Thank you for keeping us updated on this day!

Sarah Phipps said...

You two are amazing. Watching you has made me realize the kind of relationship a husband and wife should have. Yes no one and nothing is ever perfect but being there for each other, caring for each other, bearing each others burdens....that is what a marriage should be. I've never had that and could only hope to one day experience it. I have always wanted to be held in someones arm and have them feel like they are holding their entire world, everything that matters....Clint, you have restored some of my faith in men and Marianne, you have always been such an example of kindness, generosity and love...I hope you recover quickly!

Marci McLain said...

Thank you for sharing. You both are such an inspiration and you are stronger because of this trial you have gone through. You are in our thoughts and prayers as you go on to heal. Thank you for keeping us updated.

tiffarice said...

Clint will you marry me?

Amanda said...

Now Clint, Marianne's put me to tears with her words before but never you! That was a very personal and touching letter. You should be a very proud man to have Marianne as your wife. I would say lucky but I believe that you two are perfect for each other so you're both lucky... Marianne truly is an amazing woman, friend, sister, daughter, mother, wife, sister in law, and acquaintance. There have been so many times in the past couple of months that I have felt guilty for being there for Marianne. I'm not going to give any excuses but I will say I prayed for her and your family often. I am hoping she will have a perfect recovery and that we will all HAVE OUR MARIANNE BACK!!! Thanks for both of your friendships you two are both inspiring people. Thanks for sharing yourself to the blog world, it was worth your time! I will continue to pray for your family. I am hoping to see you all sooner than later.

Cynthia Vincent said...

I don't even know what to say. That's so beautiful.

The Haehls said...

We love you guys!! I am copying and pasting this to my blog and signing Carl's name:)

Chris said...

Clint, You are a dream. You and Marrianne are such a beautiful couple. I never judge during hard times. We all sweat the small stuff when things are tough. I am proud of you guys and the chin up attitude you have had through all of this. Thanks for letting me barge in every now and then. I'm so glad that all is well. Keep loving each other like every day's your last!!!Jen Bezzant

Marianne said...

i've read this so many times. I think i'll read it until my eyeballs fall out. Clint, I've held you in my arms after I read this and told you what it meant to me, but I always wanted it to "for the record" in case you ever forgot :) It is through you that I am me. And I hope through me that you are you. I need you, if I didn't have you there holding me, picking me up, telling me to breath, reminding me to have faith, yelling at me to take it easy and most of all, looking into my eyes with more love then I ever thought was possible, I wouldn't have been able to get through this. Your love and your faith, carried me through. I will spend the rest of my life showing you just how grateful I am to you for loving me that much. I am madly in love with you for the one millionth time and each time just gets better and better.
Love, your sweetie

skuluave said...

That is so wonderful Clint. You are amazing.

skuluave said...

we love your family so much