Dec 14, 2011

This is embarrassing that I haven't posted in 2 years!

I can't believe it's been 2 years since I've posted. I honestly forget that I even have a blog until someone stops me somewhere to tell me thank you for a post I made about the "PFO" that it helped them or that they enjoyed reading my blog and have missed it. I miss my blog. The thing I really miss most about it (before I got sick) was sitting down at night and having some ME time, and being able to think about all the things that made me "happy" that I wanted to "journal" about, to document for MY family. Not the bad things, not the little annoying things that irritate us through out the day. But that one little thing among the hundred that made our heart swell or tear form and made everything that day worth it. That's why I miss blogging. Because now I go to bed and forget that moment, it goes down the black hole of never never land where memory lane will never retrieve it. So, Maybe my 2012 New Years Resolution will be, to blog again. Maybe not every single fun thing we do (or cute thing I do :) but at least some of those moments I just don't want to forget.

Here's one, I can hear my husband singing "A Childs Prayer" to my kids for their tuck Ins in the next room. That's just to irresistible :) Good night!

Oct 15, 2009

Turning Point

As Marianne's favorite husband :) I wish to express my greatest appreciation to God, friends, and family. In the days, weeks, and months leading to this moment, this turning point, we have experienced a flood of warmth, concern, service, hope and faith from so many. At times the responses and communication that Marianne has received from so many has brought her to tears such strong emotions and knowledge that she is loved and that people care. As I have watched Marianne over the last eight years she has shown such charity and love towards others. She always thinks of others needs above her own and she loved to show that by cooking for people, writing notes, texting, sending cards, and being with them. She gains so much from her relationship with others we have such wonderful people that surround us and that we associate with. You all have been such a blessing in our lives. Thank you for stepping up and stepping in. When Marianne started to get really sick and her condition debilitated her it was difficult to take over and take care of the wife and mother that took care of all of us. She did sooo much and it was overwhelming to fill those shoes. We took for granted all that she accomplished and all that she is. It has been a real learning curve and I can say I am doing a lot better but I still only do a fraction of what Marianne does but it has been enough to get by. We have so much help and we have so many people to thank.
As Marianne is in the hands of the doctors right now. I need to thank our dear and kind Heavenly Father for what the last eight years has meant to me. Marianne is such a gift. My life with her has been exquisite and like any other relationship that is cultivated and nourished we have both had our moments and we have certainly seen some trials. We were joking around with the nurse and she commented "you guys are still so in-love" and yes we are in love and somedays we are out of love. Today we start identifying ourselves as "in" or "out". I think we are always "in" love even if Marianne gets after me and wants me to change or do more I will always be "in" love with her. Heavenly Father has been so good to us and blessed us with so much we have never wanted for the things that we need. I have always tried to be strong for Marianne and our boys and it has only been in privacy that I have been able to release the tears and emotion that I have felt as I struggled with the "what if's" the mental game that we play out in our minds in either preparation or fear of the things that could happen.
There were moments that I watched Marianne curled up in unfathamable pain and knowing there was nothing that I could do for her and as she described, it felt like being stabbed all over. And there were a few times when she knew it was coming on, her demeanor changed with that excruciating pain and we would spend our energy getting her the right medicine or putting her in the right position but nothing would help and it became so unbearable that her eyes would roll up in the back of head and she would pass out. Those moments were the worst because I couldn't get her to respond to me, in those moments I was losing everything and it scared me that I wouldn't be able to wake her or help her get or get her relief from what she could not control. It was in one of those moments just after Marianne passed out, I was standing next to her trying to get her to the car to take her home because she wasn't feeling good. I was able to catch her and lay her down but she was shaking and un-responsive. I kept calling her name and telling her to hold on but there was nothing, no response, my sister-in-law called 911 and it seemed like eternity was passing, it felt like I was losing the one person that meant everything to me. She is my rock and my all. The Spirit spoke to me saying "bless her" so I placed my hands on her head and in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power of the priesthood blessed her with "peace and comfort" that was all that came to me. As I said those words her body went still, it became peaceful and Marianne turned her head looked me in the eyes and smiled. It was so serene she spoke to me with just a glance as if to say, "thank you, I love you, it's ok now." and then she closed her eyes again in a state of rest instead of a medical emergency.
Heavenly Father has guided our life and has guided our decisions and has taken us to places that is our times of trials and needs we would be surrounded with people who would be there for us and help us. We have been spritiually strengthened and fortified with others faith, prayers, service, and love. It is so healing.
I will leave you with this experience. As a young teenager and growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I had been taught a lot of truth but didn't really believe it. I struggled with my relationship with Heavenly Father because I felt like he didn't answer my prayers and didn't care. I had learned about Joseph Smith and his experience in the sacred grove when he saw and spoke with God the Father and Jesus Christ. I wondered why Heavenly Father wouldn't talk to me and I certainly did not see him or his Son literrally or figuratively in my life. As I searched to understand that relationship and as a farm boy I began to see Him in the earth and in the sunsets but it didn't seem to be enough but I began to see Him as he manifest himself in my life. As time has passed I have learned to see Him, Christ, in others and that is how he manifests himself to me most is through others. He taught of love and charity. He showed us by perfect example how to treat others and asked us to be perfect even as he is. Alma asked the question speaking of Christ, "Have you received his image in your countenances?" I can tell you those people who have committed themselves to Christ and have love and charity in their hearts and have shared it with us have shown us through their countenance the face of Christ for they have fed us when we were an hungered, they have clothed us when we were naked, and they have given us drink when we were athirst. So to God thank you for testifying to us that you know us and care about us and to all of you thank you for letting Christ manifest himself through you and your thoughts and actions. To Marianne thank you for having that image, it is what has drawn me to you and it is what I love most about you, you are so precious to me, I would be lost without you. I really, really, really love you.

Thank You!

Thank You!

I made it!
I'm sure i'm sitting in IMC right now either recovering or waiting for surgery.
I wrote this post on Monday night because...
I felt a prompting...
to tell those I love most...
that I love them.
To say thanks
to everyone for all they've done.

I've spent a few hours sending out emails to the people who were there for me through this
so i'm all buttered up for my public thank you now.
I know i've spilled my deepest and darkest moments on here already
so I just wanted to say that over all I'm actually grateful that this all happened.
At first I didn't feel that way of course But as time went on and I started learning what it
was Heavenly Father was trying to teach me, everything started to get better.
It always seems when we know we've hit the bottom that we really can't take one more day or one more thing that's when it gets even WORSE :)
then our Angels start flying in to help us.
Now most of what I learned i'll keep for those closest to me
but for the world I will say that
One thing i've learned for certain is that
the people who matter most,
the people who really care are revealed.
That's something i'm grateful for.
I am the type of person who will exhaustively devote myself to
making sure those that I treasure
know it.
But I could be better. A lot better.

So to those that have taken the time
away from your own precious families to give to mine
Thank You!

I have felt your love not by just the dinners you brought
but by the loving way you brought them,
by the compassion I saw in your eyes,
by the care you put into your meals
Thank You.

For the time you took from your busy lives to pick
my babies up early in the morning,
some of you did it several days a week every week
for the last few months,
some came on the only day you had off or available,
Thank you.

For those that not only picked up my babies
but were willing to take them
to school, to preschool,
to dr. appointments,
to family parties,
to do fun things,
Thank You

For those that sent packages,
the sweetest cards i've ever read,

the most caring messages i've ever heard,
the yummy treats left at my door,
Thank You.

Some would stop by several days a week,
clean my messy house,
wash my gross laundry,
bring me delicious dinners
(even when I know they are too tired to cook for their own families) ,
even crawl in bed with me while I cried
to comfort me and hold me in my worst moments.
Thank You

For week after week,
day after day,
letting me know,
you care,
that i'm not
Thank You.

Thank you from my sweet family to yours,
to my families time in need to when it's your time in need,
Thank You.

A few more things I learned:
1. I will play with my babies everyday until
we are all too exhausted to play anymore
2. DOING is the secret to LOVING
3. My husband really does deeply, truly, LOVE me
4. I will be better at being there for those who are in need
5. I will let things wait until tomorrow and snuggle
my babies childhood away.
6. I will do all I can to show my Heavenly Father
that my life was worth the time, the effort and the sacrifice
that those around me made. I will learn and hopefully grow.

When I get home on Friday
It will be the first day to the rest of my life.
October 15th is my new holiday!

Thank you to everyone again for all of your support.
Marianne and her grateful family

Oct 1, 2009

Stop making me CRY!

This is a comment I received on my blog this morning from a very dear friend i've had for most of my life. I was so touched by it and she asked that I post it to my blog. I'm very hesitant to because it does seem a little personal but she already posted it as a comment so what the heck! I just wanted to say, (tearing up) that I am blown away. There actually needs to be a better word for blown away, I need some male input here.... like nuclear blasted away, by the emails and letters and cards and calls and even sweet packages i've received in the mail. I don' really even know what to say. It's not so much about the who's doing what or what their doing, but the LOVE I feel when their doing it, the look in their eyes or their sweet words. For me, Love does heal, I rely on Love to get me through everything, with out it I know i'd be dead. Love to me is my air.
I feel like Thank You is such a cheap attempt. It's crazy how you don't really believe there's anything you personally have to offer to the world, how your existence seems to not really matter other then to your own personal family. What purpose do I really have? Why am I really here? and What promises did I make of what i'd become and accomplish before I came to this earth? I'm beginning to really truelly understand mine. That is one wonderful thing trials do for you. They MAKE you understand, MAKE you appreciate and MAKE you rely on our Heavenly Father more then ever in your life. Now, I do know. I know and understand a lot of things. Today, I am grateful for my life. I'm grateful for the good, the bad and the ugly. I know my road and everyone elses is still going to have really SUCKY days, and really AMAZING days. My life either seems too good too be true, or too bad to be real. That's who I am and that's just the way it is. I'll take it! Today and everyday, i'm grateful and in His debt.
Thank you dear friend for your comment
and for all the other ones too.

I can't believe all of the things that you have been through in your life. 10 years ago I remembered thinking "I wouldn't have survived a tenth of what you had already been through". Your entire life has been a fight, a battle to overcome! And each time you get knocked down, you stand up, gather your strength, rely on your faith and somehow carry on. I am so overcome by you and your trials. I know this might be a little too personal but i've read your blog for years and am surprised a little that you keep the bad things out of it, you keep so many trials to your self, .... and yet you have this beautiful life. You choose happiness, you choose to fight. You inspire me so much. WIth each trial that i'm faced, I think, I know mariane would think this was not even a big deal and she would smile and serve her way through it. and you do, each time, after all these years, what has it been mariane, like 20 years of your precious life you had to FIGHT like hell to survive, I know our Lord sent you to us to inspire us, to encourage us and to instill faith in us. You are my inspiration, through every tough day of my life. If people really knew you they would love you the way I do. They would appreciate you as the true gift to us all that you really are. I will spend my day today crying. Crying for sadness of your illness and crying for joy for your survival. We need you to survive, this world would literally be a darker place without your glowing spirit and pure joy that you radiate from every part of you. Bless you my sweet sweet dear friend. I love you more then ever!
Survive, so we can too!

October 01, 2009 12:38 PM


Sep 30, 2009

When it rains..... it poors.

Cancer cancer go away, come again another day... ok no day!

I just found out Clint's cousin has cancer. She's is seriously the most amazing person.
My heart goes out to her and to her family.
Hold your families closer tonight, appreciate them.
It seems everyone and I mean everyone is having a major health scare right now.
Signs of the times. I guess the saying
"only the strong will survive"
keeps popping in my head. Maybe because it's true.
I feel guilty because a few weeks ago when I was feeling really down from everything,
I said to Clint...
"I think i'd rather have cancer, because then I could FIGHT,
i'm a fighter and I know I'd fight with everything I had,
but with this i'm told ... do nothing, lay down, don't hold your babies,
maybe you'll make it, maybe you won't."
I feel as though my right of choice has been taken away.
I can't chose to fight, I can't chose to do anything, just lay here and hurt.
Then I had an "ah ha" moment, Maybe what is required of me is
to not fight physically, but to fight spiritually.
And my spirit lifted so much. I knew I could do that.
I know I will fight with everything spiritually. So I am.
I'm trying to learn and to grow like a dried up sponge.
And now i'm feeling guilty for wishing that my grass was someone else's grass
and that there grass was mine. But I do not wish to have cancer and
i'm heart broken for anyone who does. My battle will end in 15 days. I will be fixed and have jumped that hurdle. I do have others coming and other test that are being run and other diagnosis that will be figured out after the surgery. But I know that this one was the scary and hard one and no matter what comes after that. With cancer, it's a lifetime battle. A battle for the entire family. One i'm not sure I could handle.
But with my battle and any after that
I will be ready,
I will fight and
I will survive.

my cousins blog to hear her cancer story is

Sep 19, 2009

My health secret, I hope to save a life

My secret revealed
please read this entire post, you could save someones life

I decided to finally update my blog with what has been going on for the last several months.
Mainlybecause I want to help someone. When I started going through this I was desperately googling and couldn't find anything with these symptoms that made sense.
A lot of you already have picked up on the fact that I've been sick, not blogging and not showing up to
things for the last year but mostly in the last few months.
We knew something was wrong, we just weren't sure what it was exactly.
I was absolutely shocked to find out what my diagnosis was.
I was diagnosed with a heart condition in August.
I will be having heart surgery on October 15th.

I've been asked so many questions about this and I know once people find out about it they start thinking
about people they know with the same symptoms and want the information to help them. This is why this post will be so detailed. I hope to answer any questions especially if it will encourage someone to get checked out.
That is the most important reason why i'm blogging about this.
If I wasn't told about it from a good friend (two actually)
then I would have ended up dead.

What is my heart condition?
I was diagnosed with a PFO
Patent Foramen Ovale
A PFO is a whole in the heart between the two atrium's.
Everyone is born with a heart murmur but 75% of them close up on there own, similar
to how the top of newborns skulls are open but close up on their own.
So 25% of the population walk around with a small whole in their heart but only
4% of those people show any symptoms mainly because that whole erodes away over time and
becomes bigger, big enough to cause severe problems.
Most of the time someone is diagnosed it's because it is too late, either they passed away or suffered a severe stroke and that's how this heart condition was first discovered. They started closing the whole the found in the heart to prevent future strokes and the patients reported no more strokes and no more migrains and that's how the PFO closure was discovered.
With each cough, push, strain you are causing the whole to erode, to become larger.
The more athletic you are, the more you push yourself, with each pregnancy you are
unknowingly risking your life.
During pregnancy you have a 30% more chance of having a stroke then when not
pregnant with a PFO because of the increased blood flow and demand on your heart.
The PFO then becomes large enough to cause severe debilitating migraines, Life threatening strokes, mini strokes called TIA's, blood clots, aneurysms and death.


In a normal heart the blood flows to the heart, through the right atrium, down to the lungs where it is cleaned and picks up oxygen then flows to the left atrium then to the brain where it delivers all those cleaned nutrients to the brain and allows your organs through out your body to function properly.

In a PFO heart blood leaks through the whole into the opposite atrium skipping that important lung process.
So the blood that flows to my brain is dirty and clotted blood. That causes the blood vessels in your brain to swell like a hose with someone squeezing the end and the pressure builds up which triggers the migraines which also triggers the strokes. So my organs are functioning on dirty clotted blood which means they aren't functioning like they should. (i'm praying some of my other organs start working like they should after surgery:) I'm not sure what the stats are on deaths with PFO's but I've heard enough heart breaking stories from people who found out this is what I have and they knew someone who died from it or maybe they weren't even sure what it was at the time and later found out this is what it most likely was.

Along with the migraines you experience severe exhaustion, dizziness, light headed, foggy headed, fainting, blacking out, and migraines that make you imagine cutting your head into little pieces would feel better then the pain that your head was feeling.

How did this all start?
When I was pregnant with Lochlan it was the worst pregnancy that I'd had. I felt so sick and nauseous and dizzy and the migraines at times made me feel like i'd go insane. One night I woke up around 3am

screaming and crying because a migraine hit me like a car, normally migraines creep up on me so to have one just hit at full blast was a shock. Normally i'd get a migraine on one spot of my head, I could tell you exactly where the migraine was which was usually on the sides above my ears or in the back above the neck or etc,...

That night, It felt like 100 migraines all at once. The pain was so severe it became unbearable. I rolled into a ball at 7 months pregnant and screamed, cried, shaking violently and dripping in sweat. Clint was so panicked and freaked. He wanted to call 911 by I just kept screaming NO, it'll stop. It didn't. This went on to the point that I started banging my head as hard as I could against the floor and starting throwing up. At one moment, I felt a feeling come over me that left me with the thought, death was close by and I was secretly agreeing because the pain was so bad.

In that moment Clint put his hands on my head. (for those of you who are LDS you know the rest)

The moment his hands lifted the migraine stopped.

I fell over on the floor. Clint picked me up carried me to the bed and I slept until almost the evening of the next day. After that happened I noticed my right arm and hand felt numb and tingly and my migraines started occuring weekly. When I held a glass or remote It felt like when your hand was a sleep, just strange feeling. I had a hard time using it and sometimes I couldn't. This finally went away about 6 months later.
I thought it was because of pregnancy.
I thought the migraines were from pregnancy.
What happened to me was a stroke.
I didn't know it at the time but found out recently that 's what it was
and to be honest I was to embarrassed to mention it to the dr.
I told him that I had bad migraines and that my arm felt weird and he said "just pregnancy".
Now that I know all about this and after talking to the Cardiologist that Dr. should have sent me to a cardiologist.
But in his defense I downplayed it.

During my pregnancies I feel so tired, exhausted, dizzy and at least 3 days a week I found it hard to get out of bed and would spend those days sleeping so that I could try to act somewhat normal for family events and outings and parties the rest of the week.

After the pregnancy that never went away. It just got worse. I thought it was because I had a 3rd baby, maybe because i'm over 30. Shhhh!

When we moved to the PG house I had a really hard time finding the energy to get everything done. THat same week we had to pack to go to California for a beach trip with friends. When we got back we had a lot of work and unpacking to do. During this time before and after the beach trip I decided to force myself to run.

I always thought I had asthma because when I tried to run my heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest and I Couldn't breath. I was told to breath through it by other runners to that's what I did. I hated feeling like there was something I couldn't do. So I forced myself. Each time I ran it was shorter and shorter distance because It became more difficult for me. I would hide behind a tree or a fence and throw up and try desperately to breath. It felt like a car was sitting on my chest and heart. Then I'd walk home feeling like a failure.

All of this combined forced my heart to be overworked and for me to feel beyond exhausted. The 2-3 days turned to 5-6 days in bed. I sleep 12-14 hours at night and 3-5 hour naps every day and I still wake up feeling like I took a bottle of sleeping pills. When I walk up the stairs I get to the top and have to lean against the wall sweating and feeling like you do right before you faint. Every time I woke up I woke with a migraine. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I got a migraine back at the end of July and it wasn't going away. The same migraine but getting worse and worse. I lost my appetite and every time I eat the migraine gets worse and I throw it up so i've pretty much stopped eating.

I went to lunch one day for one of my best friends birthday and is was the only thing I got dressed for in over a week. I spent most of my days in bed and crying in a pillow not knowing what was happening to me and feeling frustrated. I felt like I was going to go crazy. I wanted so much to feel normal, to just ignore everything and pretend that everything was ok. I"d been doing that for years. BUt now it was so bad that if you took one look at me you knew, I didn't feel well. When I showed up to this lunch I busted out crying at the table in front of my friends friends. (so sorry about that Amanda :) I told them about my secret. How i've been suffering. A girl at the table starting asking me questions about my symptoms, I told her everything I felt and she said that everything I'd said sounded exactly like what she went through before she was diagnosed with a PFO. She told me she just had heart surgery a few weeks before that and she felt better then she's ever felt in her life.

My eyes filled with tears but this time, tears of hope.

I got the name of the dr. from her and called him the next day. They got right in and did a BUBBLE test. You HAVE to have a BUBBLE test to be properly diagnosed and you need to go to a Cardiologist who specializes in PFO's or you could spend a few years being misdiagnosed. I'll include my Dr.'s info at the end of this post.

The crazy thing about this is a year ago when I had the stroke - killer migraine while pregnant with Lock, Clint talked to a family member who is newly married into the family and told her about what was going on with me. She told him that I could have a heart condition and for me to go to this very same dr. that specializes in this. She said her first husband died from this very same thing and he was very young, she spent years watching him suffer, he blacked out and hit trees and was found dead on the scene and revived taken to hospitals and they found nothing, she took him to specialist after specialist and nothing. She watched him suffer, be tortured and felt helpless. He suffered with severe migraines and they had no idea why. She woke up one day to find him lifeless. He passed away during the night in his sleep from a PFO. That was in 2005 and that's when this PFO specialist that I go to really started to make his work known and people started founding out about this condition and how serious it was. For years it was misdiagnosed at MS or other things.

If she didn't share her story with me, I wouldn't have believed. I did sit on the phone number she gave me for a year because I was scared. I didn't really believe it had something to do with my heart. Then when that special friend at lunch gave me her dr.s name and number and it was the very same, I knew it was a sign.

How was I diagnosed?

I went to Dr. Sorensons and had several tests done. One was a bubble test which is very important to a diagnosis. IF A DR. SAYS THEY CAN DIAGNOSE YOU WITH A REGULAR EKG THEN RUN, THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR TALKING ABOUT.

A Bubble test is where they insert air bubbles through an IV and watch with an ultrasound type thing on your brain. If they see bubbles in your brain then you have a PFO. They can rate mild, moderate and severe by the amount of bubbles and how quickly they appear and mine is severe severe. They also do an EKG, MRI's and some kind of blow test where they can tell the pressure it puts on your heart by blowing, I tested severe severe on that as well a 5+.

Here's a link explaining a little better about a PFO if you're really nutty about information:)

I have to say that when I got the diagnosis, I felt relieved. I didn't feel scared at all. There's an 80% success rate from this surgery and i've met 8 people in the last month who had the surgery (mostly older men :) said that they've never felt better. The surgery is pretty simple. They go through the artery in your leg and put a camera and a medal mesh umbrella and push it all the way up to your heart and then pop it open in place and your heart regrows over the umbrella - crazy huh! Recovery is pretty quick and with 6 months I can do everything Like a normal person.

I'm so grateful and feel lucky that this will in a happy ending with me feeling better then ever. I feel heartbroken for those that suffered and lost to the PFO and for those who suffer with other health problems that they are desperate to find a cure.

If you or someone you know (even your kids) suffer with migraines AND have any of these symptoms: born with a heart murmur, feels dizzy, light headed, extrememly fatigued, blacking out, seizures and have a hard time excersizing-aerobics then PLEASE contact a Cardiologist who specailizes in PFO's. With a PFO it means you are at the highest risk of having a stroke and thats usually how your diagnosed, after you've already had a stroke like I was.
If you live in Utah you can contact Dr. Sherman Sorenson
He's the number one Heart Surgeon in the country and #2 in the world and specializes in PFO's.
He's located at the IHC Medical Complex off of 5100 South in Murray

What can you do?
I've been beyond touched by the people who have showed up to help.
I'm in all of your debt and no words I could ever express will ever tell you how deeply you've touched me. I've felt your love and to be honest it's lifted me from a deep,lonely and painful place. It's very depressing and isolating to be sick and to not be able to do anything but sleep. I think I felt more pain emotionally then I felt physically. Your spirit and soul wear down when your body falls apart. I feel as though my right of choice has been taken away, I can't chose to do fun things or go out and have fun or play outside with my babies. That choice has been taken away. I just lay there, in pain, imagining a more peaceful and painless place and pretend that I'm having fun when really I feel like i'm in Hell.

Then my sweet angels showed up every day reaching out when I needed them the most. Just walking right into my house, Like my mother in law Helen. OK now my eyes are watering up. SHe's my angel. She shows up sometimes daily to clean my filthy house, feed my hungry babies, wash our dirty clothes and put a smile on my sad face :) She always seems to know ever since i've known her the exact moment when to show up or call. I can't wait to repay her when she is in need. I can't wait to give it all back and serve her all I can :)

Friends and SIL's take care of my kids, cleaning my house, doing my laundry, bringing me fresh baked cookies, pink fluffy robes (thanks Jenny:), showing up to put up my halloween decorations up which really cheered me up (thank you Cindy:), coming over to bake my babies birthday cake and prepare the food and clean the house for a small intimate party that evening (christine, helen and especially my sweet Kira:) even taking my babies to school. THe list could go on and on and so could the thank you's. I even have a wonderful SIL (sister in law) who took over the schedule with my kids, she has it all typed up and assigned out and someone shows up everyday to get them ready and out the door and then they bring them back in the evening (thank you Michelle:). Unfortunately for my babies there rowdiness and energy level and needs are far beyond what I can do right now, to get a drink and go to the bathroom exhausts me for the entire day.

THis passed week has been especially lifting. I feel like a lot of my prayers and concerns have been met and taken care of. The loneliness I felt has melted away and has been replaced with immeasurable love and support. I even have a wonderful neighbor who just happens to be a Dr. who just happens to have the same heart condition who so happen to have gone to the same specialist as me who comes over to check on me. He's been a major comfort and an angel.

What can you do? I know a lot of you want so much to help, I really am doing ok and have a lot of help and support here so you'll be doing me a favor by not worrying and know i'm very well taken care of. I know we're all going through something right now. When it rains it poors. Focus on your family, reach out to help someone close to you, don't be afraid to show people what they mean to you and how much you love them. I have to admit that is ONE THING I DO NOT REGRET. If I were to lose this fight, which I won't but If-IF i were-I'd leave knowing anyone who mattered to me, who was special to me would know it. Relationships mean the world to me and i'm glad i'm not afraid to serve, to love and to appreciate. I will be doing ten million times more so everyone better get used to it and not complain. It's how i'm made, how i've been molded over the years. Even though my heart is really broken medically, it's full and bursting of love at the seems from the outpoor of love, letters, call and prayers that have been put in my name. I have to admit and share with all of you that I truelly felt it. The week I needed it the most there were family fast going on and my name was put in temples all across the world and I felt it, I felt my soul being lifted and embraced by my Savior. I feel healed spiritually and emotionally and I know that when you have that, then physically your body can handle more, can fight better and can overcome.

I can't wait to be back.

God bless!


p.s. i'll be updating months and months of blogging soon. and keep you updated of course.

p.s.s. I hope I haven't offended anyone by not telling them what was going on or by saying I was fine or that I didn't need anything when I clearly just opened my guts on this dang blog. SOme how I can always be honest on here, like i'm writing in my personal journal and allowing those closest to sneak a read. I just didn't want to worry anyone and it was very very hard to finally give in and allow people to help, to admit I needed the help. Some of you I DON'T WANT helping because I know you need to focus on your self or your family and I know in the end i'll be ok.

Jul 22, 2009

We're alive

Where has the time gone?
I have so much updating to do and I'm starting to
edit my pictures so an update is coming soon.
I had to post this picture of my boys at Disneyland.
I'm going to beg Amanda to edit this picture but even with the
bad lighting it tugs at every single heart string.
We had an amazing vacation to California,
our move went well,
Clint's surprise 30th was a big bash
and many more fun updates coming.

Hope your all having a great summer :)

May 27, 2009

Moving again

That's right!
We're moving again.
Only 4 miles away to PG but it still involves packing and moving.
The funny thing about that picture is that's what we really look like moving ;) times about 10 of those loads, ok maybe 20 :)

May 25, 2009


Why do I do what I do?

I've received a lot of emails lately asking me all kinds of questions...
some I try not feel as though they were intended to make me feel bad....
others I know they might make someone else feel bad....
I would never want anyone to come to this blog and feel they aren't
a good mother, or wife, or friend....
because they aren't doing what i'm doing.
I promise all of you that even though I don't publicly share
all of my moments of doubt, sadness, inferiority, anger, disappointments and frustrations...
that they are there.
All of us are good at things...
i'm terrible at the majority of everything...
the only thing I can do really is cook, clean and make things...
no singing, no music talent, no reading literature, no sports, no writing, no languages,
no patience, no degrees, no lots of other things...

So don't think just because I blog about things that make me happy..
moments I want to remember forever....
that underneath this fun blog...
there's not a frazzled, disorganized, messy, screaming, crying, over exhausted mom
on the other end...
Cause trust me,
She is.

Questions i've been asked

How do I get it done?
in the middle of the night, I don't sleep
Is my house always clean?
No way, it used to be with only one kid, then with two it was mostly clean and now with three it's clean when people come over...
How do I find the time to work on projects or parties?
I don't sleep, I spend half the day doing really fun things with the kids to wear them out then they watch movies and nap the rest of the day while I work on my projects.
Do I spend all my spare time doing projects?
When i'm not doing fun things with the kids or trying to survive my kids, yes. I don't like to sit and read books, I don't like to sit and watch t.v. so I do projects or plan things or clean.
Trust me, this can be a bad thing. Sometimes it drives Clint cRaZy.
Do I make dinner every night?
NO way, I try to make something really yummy and nice 2 times a week, then something easy and light 3 nights a week, then something like pizza or frozen goods the other 2 nights.
Do I think I can do it all, or feel pressured to do it all?
I'm not one to act a certain way just for someone else,
I am who I am and I just can't help it. I don't do things to impress people or make them jealous or make them feel bad. I don't do things for any other reason other then because I like to.
Making things, planning things and creating things is my hobby.
My brain is constantly thinking of things to make and I feel like I can hardly keep up with it.
I have files and files of things i'd like to do but I just don't have the time or money.
The only thing I feel pressured to do is to be a better mom. I constantly feel, every single day that my kids and my husband are a gracious gift from my Heavenly Father.
I'll NEVER take them for granted.
Because once,
I really thought I would never have this.
I would never be married to someone like Clint.
Have a family
Have a purpose
Have a life.

Things you might not know:
*my clean laundry is in a HUGE pile in my room and has been for weeks
*i haven't done any ironing in months
*i have stretch marks all over some areas
*i hate filing and always have piles around my desk
*i'd rather eat cake then dinner
*i get my feelings hurt easily
*i need to feel loved by those close to me or I feel like my whole life falls apart
*i love to watch movies that make you cry, crying feels good
*i still can't fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes
*i can't run
*i sometimes pee my pants when I laugh
*i only wash my hair every 3-4 days
*i hate olives
*my van is a disgusting embarrassment
*i've moved 28 times in my life and i'm sick of moving
*i feel the deepest, hard to explain, love and appreciation for the wonderful people in my life
*i like to talk to strangers, i like learning about how they think, what in their life was a "ah ha" moment, do they "get" life and how-why
*i would love to adopt someday
*i want to serve a mission
*i want to learn learn learn
*i want to love
*i want to overcome
*i want to live

May 17, 2009

Win a FREE Chic Apron

If you haven't heard of
Fabulous Fun Finds
then I have to tell you that you are missing out.
This blog is the "what's the new trend this season" of the blogging world. This blog features companies from around the world showcasing their one of a kind item. Fabulous Fun Finds has "the" eye for the cutest stuff you've seen. We have been featured on Fabulous Fun Finds and would like to invite you to read about there post. We are also giving an apron away on her blog. Go to for more information and to enter to WIN A FREE CHIC APRON.
Thank you FFF for the feature and I am a huge fan of your blog.

Raising Gentlemen

Raising Gentlemen

Nicholas' girlfriend had a pinkalicious party and invited only girls over. She loves Nicholas and asked her mom if he could come over every single day before the party. I thought that was so cute so we decided to surprise her with a special appearance from her favorite "boy"friend.
I dressed Nick in a pink shirt and we went to the store to get some pink flowers and pink balloon with a card that he colored and then sent him to the door to give them to her.
I was DYING over how cute he was.
I said:
"Nick, go to the door and ask for Gracie, say happy bday Gracie and give them to her ok"
ok mom
then he walked up to the door all by himself, he was acting so grown up and sure of himself.
he asked for Gracie, gave her the flowers, and even a kiss.
can you even HANDLE, talk about melt a mamma's heart.

Is she not so cute, she's Polynesian, wouldn't they have the cutest kids :)

Boys Boys Boys


We all know that my boys are the perfect definition of what boys are made of.
They will find a rock anywhere and everywhere we go
they could throw rocks all day
sorry to my neighbors
every one is either a good guy or a bad guy
no matter where you look in our house you will find a car..
..behind the toilet, in the couch, in their pockets,
in my desk drawer, under the baby, on the stairs,
under our sheets, under our pillows, in our bathtub, in my drawers.
where will you NOT find a car, not in the car bin.
Someone gets a band aid every single day.
Nothing ends up in their mouths that's supposed to be there and everything that should doesn't.
When they brush their teeth there never clean because all the toothpaste is all over the bathroom walls, the mirror and their hair.
You can never let them touch your mouth with their hands because...
...their hands are constantly covered in buggers, food, dirt and sometimes poop.
They truly believe that pink and purple are strictly for girls only and
that girls toot and boys f@#! no matter how I try to explain that we don't say f@#! they absolutely insist and think I'm insane to suggest otherwise that boys toot and don't f@#!
They act tough when they play with their friends and get embarrassed if you kiss them when dropping them off at school or a friends house.
But when they get hurt, sad, lonely or proud of something new they've done, all they want is their momma.

This is what Nicholas looks like after brushing his teeth.

After eating a chocolate cookie

I've told some of you how Nicholas is going through a crying faze,

the proof.

Just after a long nice nap
Time 4:30

Time 5:30

time 6:00
Time 7:00

Then I spent an hour kissing that sweet face.

May 16, 2009

Dance Fever

Dancing Kings

We had the funnest night a few months ago when the cutest little girls came over for an evening while their momma had to work.
These girls are so much fun because they are the exact ages of my two boys and both of my boys have crushies on them... shhhh, don't tell their friends.

Come ON!
Look at the way Andrew looks at her.
He's got it BAD.

They were seriously dancing like little future "dancing with the stars"

See, he even dipped her.
Total natural.
No training :)

May 14, 2009

Lock is getting so big


I can't believe my little baby is 7 SEVEN months old. These pictures are an update of him being 5&6 months old, so I'm way behind but I'll post those soon.
What is he doing at 6 months:
does a great wobbly sitting up act
rolls all over the house (been doing that since 3 months - his claim to fame)
Eats baby food but doesn't really like it yet
sleeps all the way through the night, YEAH!
Trying really hard to crawl but his legs are sooo small, he just falls flat on his tummy.
smiles all the time :)
he's a big time mommas boy

and he adores his brothers.

Yes that's a silver bowl and spoon, blame his granny for that one :)

Can you tell his brothers worship him :)

and so does daddy :)

This is my favorite, when he giggles he always puts his hand in his mouth, so sweet!

He scooted over to this vase to lick it... I think he thought it was a boob at first :)

He looks like Andrew here.

and looks like Nicholas here.

May 12, 2009

A Major Update

Andrew's preschool had a great Easter party for the kids.
Here he is with one of his favorite friends, Brayden. He was so
excited to bring his dinosaur eggs he picked out for the party.

These were too cute to not share, this is what his class made for their baskets for the party.
I loved them and might do them next year with the kids.
These were some cupcakes I made for Easter treats. They were coconut flavored with a custard filling, and a small layer of custard on the top with yummy cream cheese frosting on top.
You could seriously eat a dozen. Yummy. Thanks mom for the recipe, she makes the cake version at her restaurant, Cottillion Southern Cafe.

These were the baby bunnies the kids help me make. They were so much fun and the kids loved them. We took these to the Bunnells for Easter. I'm not too sure if anyone liked them but me and the kids sure did ;)

My sweet basket from my sweet husband, filled with sweet notes.
and 2 bags of my favorite candy ever.... :)
Lock scored with a few books.

My boys scored some of the usuals, candy, coloring books, small toys.

This was my bunny cake. It looks scary in this picture but in real life I remembered her being so much cuter. I named her Sallie because everything I make is always a girl. For obvious reasons.

Our ward had the funnest Easter party and a great couple in our ward made this amazing train for their grandchildren. They shared with our ward and the kids LOVED it.

Lock hunting eggs, it was cold and rainy. The kids still had fun though.

Me and the boys, Happy Easter.

How can you not just love these guys. They are soooo cute :)
The Bunnell girls headed down to St. George at the end of March for a much needed girls only weekend, with the exception three cute little baby boys.
We had such a great time visiting with each other, laying out, watching a chick flick, catching up. Even Necia met us there from Vegas. We stayed up for hours talking and laughing. I sure miss you girl :)
We had some cousins and Helen's sister meet up with us for lunch.

Can you believe it.
My baby is FIVE.
sniff sniff.
We had a fun little super hero party with some of the little boys he knows.
We asked Andrew what he wanted to do and he said:
"Eat pizza, dress up as super hero's, go on an adventure walk and finds things then come home build stuff or make stuff and have cake"
Well, that's exactly what we did.
Kids have the greatest ideas.

We had all of the kids come in their favorite super hero costume. They were the cutest things running around the neighborhood looking for bad guys :)
Boys are soooo much fun :)

Andrew was superman.
I mean "super Andrew boy man", according to him.
His favorite chocolate cupcakes.

St. Patty's Day
We had a fun St Patty's day with my brother and his family and also my little brother Joel was in town so that was fun. I made a green dinner (didn't take any pics) and we sent the kids on a leprechaun chase around the house and outside then they found treats on the table.